Life

So this post has been a long time in coming. I've been putting off writing it because it is so personal. I have learned lately that not everyone shares my opinions on how I have planned my life so to speak, and that is fine. I have also learned that when you don't share the full story with others you run the risk of letting yourself take offense at something that has been said. So... in order to help myself from ripping my hair out and constantly crying around everyone I have decided that i have to share what we have been dealing with since September of 2010. SO I am sharing with you because we want to talk about it and think its not something that should ever be kept a secret especially not with family. in saying that, if you don't want to learn of anything of such a personal nature as trying to have babies then please skip this post.
It was around that time(September 2010) that as a couple, Matt and I decided we were going to start trying to have a baby. Yes we know that is only like 4 months after we were married. Before getting married we had decided we would try to wait 6 months, but we both wanted to be parents so bad we couldn't help it. So we began the process. You all know ;)
 After about 7 months of trying and keeping track of cycles and heartbreak as each new month came and went, we decided we needed to see an Ob\gyn. I had put it off that long because as each month rolled by I started to think something must be wrong with me, "why wasn't I getting pregnant??" Thankfully once getting it over with we learned everything was normal with me. And we left with the advice of wait until you've tried a year and then they would do more testing. That wasn't enough for us, we had more questions, like if things are ok with us then why is it taking so long, why were we one of the statistics? After I researched I learned that what many doctors don't tell you is that if after 6 months of trying you still haven't conceived you should have the husband tested. Finally we decided we would talk to Matt's doctor and see if we can get a test done.
 SO, in June of 2011 we has an analysis done of the little swimmers and received devastating news. 100% immotilitly. That's all we learned. The day we got that news, we had just enough time to pick up the results and have Matt go to work for the evening till midnight, ironically we locked our keys in the car at the doctors office so we got a chance to talk some. But as those 8 hours passed neither of us had a good day. I honestly don't know who took the news the worst, I got to cry all day, and Matt shoved it out of his head till he was home and we could cry together.
SO  we started the next step. we need to see a urologist specializing in male infertility. The hardest part of this was the waiting. we had to wait until the end of September to even see the doctor. June through september passed so slow. during this long wait we learned that not only where the sperm not swimming there was an incredibly low amount of them( but maybe 25% of those were slowly progressing)
Just before our September appointment we talked with our general practitioner. He thought it would be a good idea to check Matt's hormone levels. And no surprise there, his testosterone was low. Getting him on testosterone was a big ordeal trying to find what we could afford and what insurance would cover. but two weeks before our urologist appointment Matt finally got a shot of testosterone. And we realized how great it made Matt feel. No more struggling for him to get out of bed in the morning or feeling listless and tired all day.
Unfortunatly once we got into the Urologist we learned that was the worst thing for us to have done. What we needed to do was diagnose the cause behind the low testosterone.
SO  we waited till it was out of his system and had the necessary  blood and genetic testing done to figure it out. Finally we were going to get some answers. And what I was hoping to learn was that there was an easy way to balance out his hormones and we could move on.
Matt and I were prepared for the idea that we would have to conceive the hard way through IVF. But I was holding out  with the hope that a medicine could fix the issue. What we learned is that there is a genetic problem. At some point right when Matt was just a speck of little cells he lost a small part of his Y chromosome. That part is what told him to create sperm. Although this was a huge shock, we learned that we are lucky. Most men with this genetic issue have no sperm at all, whereas Matt has about .3million of the 40 million he should. SO with his above average amazing manness  we are begining the process of IVF (invitro fertilization). Which I am still trying to come to terms with, but am letting matt lead me to that elusive silver lining of at least we can have kids one day.

Possibly the biggest heartache for me if that the doctor suggested we see a genetic counselor. This was suggested because with genetic issues you pass those on to your children. If we were to have a little boy he will one day deal with infertility when he wants to have children with his wife. I will grieve for this I'm sure for the rest of my life but one thing we can give our boys when and if we are blessed with boys is that they will grow up informed when it is necessary to share with them.

So although this is an expensive option we are going to see it through, and will we be trying to save money any way we can in order to make this dream of having children a reality